There was this moment about 8 years ago, this insight, I would even say this enlightenment, where I realized: I can change!
I can change who I am.
/
That hit me hard because I was in a fixed mindset. Believing that who I am is fixed in my DNA. I was allowing everything to run on auto-pilot, by the values and beliefs engraved into my brain by some events.
This single inside changed me and my life more than anything else because it was the start of a lifelong journey of learning and self-development. Of course, it was not all easy, but I can tell you that I am a much different person now.
In today's issue, we explore that you can indeed change who you are and how you see the world. We will also look into what I discovered with a lot of learning and trial and error what is the the best path to change.
What you can control
My journey into this started when I was on a one-week road trip alone. That gave me lots of time to think. Superficially I should have been happy. I had achieved everything: A lovely wife, wonderful kids, a house, and a successful career. But I was not happy. Something was wrong.
This was like waking up from a dream, which was my life.
I was confused. And started looking for help in ancient philosophy, stoic philosophy in particular.
One lesson struck me the most:
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." ― Epictetus
What does that mean? I took two things from it:
- I could have been sad about not being happy (and I did go through some depressive episodes). But it is up to me how I react to any situation, so I decided to change things, to explore what is wrong.
- If you don't take responsibility for your life, someone or something else will. In my case, that was following what expectations society and my father had for me.
And there is the central lesson in stoic philosophy focus on what you can control (and don't worry about the rest). What you control is only what you think and what you do.
Developing myself is in my control and it has probably the biggest impact on my life; so that is what I do since then.
Who we are
Who are we? What makes us us? In my mind that is what our character expresses. How do we react to our environment, to other people, and to ourselves?
Much of what makes us us is on auto-pilot. That is: when we do not pay active attention to it. We are operating by our values and beliefs. These values and beliefs are of course shaped mainly by the environment we grew up in: society, parents, friends, certain formative situations, and maybe even trauma.
Tony Robbins is proposing to be clear about what values you currently follow. And also if these are the to-be values. Or in other words, if you want to shift your values. By writing this down and having that top of your mind you can now start to live by these to-be values rather than being on automatic mode.
That is what I did and still do to the day: Being clear about the values I want to live by. That way I can inform my every decision by these values.
What I underestimated back then was the gravity of the beliefs I held. Which were in part hidden from me. Many of these beliefs come from early childhood. As a child, you are dependent on your parents, so whatever happens, nature has set it up so that the child adjusts their beliefs so that the parents are always right. And that is to survive.
For example, I would only get attention from my father if I did something extraordinary. That led to a belief that I am only worthy if I perform outstandingly well. That became part of my identity.
A trait we all have in common is that our brains try to protect our identity. That way this early childhood imprinting is even more strengthened as we grow up.
And this will go on. Unless... Unless we are aware of them and start to behave consciously differently. As you can imagine this takes a lot of time and is very hard. But it is possible.
No one world
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein
It is safe to say that we have as many world views as we have humans on this planet. I think it is very important to understand this:
The truth is that there is no absolute truth.
Even the people around you who are all living in the same social context live in a slightly different world. We need to be super aware of that, in two ways:
- When you interact with someone else, she is not seeing the world as you do. You cannot assume that she is holding the same fundamental truth as you do.
- We tell ourselves stories about us and the world around us. This is majorly biased by our past experiences. On top of that, our memories are shifted to support our identity.
We need to be super open-minded to look at what is behind our beliefs and where they are coming from. We need to be aware that the stories we tell ourselves about us are made up to support our identity.
That is a bit shocking in the first moment. But with a second look, it is very reliving because that means it gives us a new perspective and lever to allow us to change those stories.
Acceptance and Mindfulness
I had set the values to live by. I was excited and it went well for a time until it didn't. What was happening? I tried to live by values that were too far from who I was. Meaning I was not able to live up to the picture I have drawn of myself. I started to judge myself for not living up to my ideal me.
I tried to force it. I tried hard. But that is a recipe for misery. Even though I made progress in the right direction it did not feel good. I ended up depressed.
Additionally, I was not aware of some old habits driven by the beliefs I held. This was sabotaging my efforts to become a better version of myself.
I am telling you all this because I learned the hard way, that you need to start where you are today, who you are today. Maybe you can force it, but it will not be enjoyable.
By knowing who you are, by being self-aware you make things so much more easy to change.
- Knowing what you deal with: I bet that for any other project, you are starting you are getting data on the current situation. You need to observe yourself: How are you auto-reacting in certain situations, when are you getting emotional, etc. Maybe you want even ask some friends how they see you reacting when you are unsure. By knowing how you auto-react, you become more aware of it in everyday situations.
- Understanding your behavior: When you know how you react you can explore why you react a certain way. What are the stories you tell yourself, what is the belief behind that? With that knowledge you can accept this behavior, you know now why you react like this.
- Accepting your legacy: When you know what belief is behind your behavior you can now investigate where this belief is born. Most, but not all, of these beliefs come form your childhood. Remember as a child you want your caretakers to be ok. And that is the reason for many beliefs which do not help us. That way you can accept your behavior in a non-judgemental, kind way. In the end, it is not your fault, it is the environment that shaped you.
- Healing: This insight, where your beliefs and thus maybe negative automatic behaviors are coming from, can be very healing. YOU ARE OK the way you are now. You can accept who you are and be fine with that.
- And from here, from accepting yourself in a non-judgemental way you have a good route to change. Step by step. Slowly but steadily. Notice when you act according to your old beliefs and start replacing them with a new way.
You will not change who you were your whole life up to now in one night. But that is ok. Give it some time.
Reshaping the world
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy
You can change the world. It is as easy as changing you, as changing how you see the world.
Don't look to anyone else to change the world.
Don't look to anyone else to change your well-being or success.
Look to yourself, changing you changes everything, including the world.
Summary
“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” ― Madonna
To change who you are:
- Start with understanding and accepting who you are today.
- Heal.
- Understand your purpose as part of your identity.
- Sometimes you find that you are not that far away from who need to be to fulfill your purpose.
- Shift your values and beliefs slowly, step by step, in a kind and non-judgemental way.
